Number six

You can’t swing a dead opossum these days without hitting someone with advice on marriage. Red Skelton poked fun at wedded life when he said, “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” There are hundreds of hilarious quotations about married life. How sad is it that most of them are true … and all of them are funny! I love being married. What a comfort it is to me to know that I have found that one special person that I want to play jokes on, laugh with and annoy for the rest of his life. A young friend of mine will be getting married this summer and I have been contemplating what advice I will give her.Before my husband, Doug, and I got married, I clipped a snippet of a column out of a newspaper and attached it to the bathroom mirror where we both could see it at least a couple of times a day. It consisted of five phrases that people like to hear and that should be used often for a healthy relationship. They are:1. I love you.2. You look great.3. How can I help?4. Let’s eat out.5. It’s my fault.Everyone needs a gentle push and posted words can work wonders to nudge people now and then that a bulldozer would have trouble moving.Some time ago I removed the paper — yellowed and stained with many a mirror washing, steaming and toweling off. I still have it and refer to it often. It has made me a better wife, a better person overall, and I have even added an idiom of my own: No. 6: Whatever you want. My husband is a lover of antique farm machinery and, though much of it looks like rusty junk to me, it is precious to him. I really try to understand his need for these old things. So, when he calls with the bargain find of the day (well, to me it seems like a daily event), I smile and tell him he knows his stuff and if he wants it and if we can afford it, then he should have it. I am patiently waiting for Doug to add this simple additional phrase to his vocabulary. I’ve been trying to gently coax him with my most subtle wit, but so far, no dice.While Doug and I waited in line to order lunch the other day, I overheard the couple behind us deciding what to have. She, with an impatient four-year-old in tow, said she wanted A, B and half C and half D. (This is a for-instance, not alphabet soup.) Her husband replied that he was not going to ask for half C and half D and that she should pick one or the other. She asked if it was really that big of a deal to ask for half and half, and he seemed to think it was. I wanted to turn to him and say, “Come on, buddy, lighten up and let the lady have what she wants.” But instead I smiled my brightest, turned to her and said in my most friendly tone, “You can have whatever you want.”“Hear that?” she asked her husband, like someone in authority had just spoken. “I’ll have the half and half,” she decisively stated, smiled sweetly and turned with her restless child and went to find a seat. Doug turned and asked what I was doing, and the man with a wry smile replied, “Causing trouble.” I informed Doug what had transpired and that I had simply told this guy’s wife that she could have whatever she wanted. “Actually,” I told him, “you should practice saying those words to me. ‘Whatever you want…’” I prodded but he said ‘no’ and that was the end of that. I’m sure that another opportunity to educate him on No. 6 will present itself before long … I’ll see to it.I’ve got gates to close and a husband to haunt,Say it with me now … “Whatever you want.” Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult--- I’m Nancy Kraayenhof. Please e-mail story ideas and/or comments to me at Nancy861@msn.com.