Luverne 15-year-old Jesse Saum died in a drowning accident in the Rock River near the city park in the summer of 1993.
His parents, Pat and Helen, haven’t been the same since. “You get through it, but you never get over it,” Pat said last week. “Grief is a complicated thing.”
And losing a child is a different kind of loss than losing a parent or a sibling or a friend, and that’s why they joined the Compassionate Friends.
It’s a national network of support groups (600 in the United States) for parents grieving the loss of a child, and Pat said it helps to connect with other parents who have lost children.
And now they're starting a Luverne Compassionate Friends chapter to help other parents hurting like they are.
“It’s a safe haven, it’s anonymous and it’s not a place for professional counseling,” Pat said. “It’s hard to go — you may be nervous, you may be anxious — but it’s a first step. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. No one is expected to talk.”
The presence of other hurting parents can provide comfort, he said, in a way that that friends, family and church members aren’t able to.
When he attended meetings in Sioux Falls, Pat said he noticed more people from Minnesota in the room than Sioux Falls residents.
That’s why he and Helen agreed to help start a group in Luverne when they were recently asked.
It’s been 26 years since Jesse died, but the pain is still real, and they want to help newly bereaved parents.
“Am I ever going to be the same again? The answer is no. You’ll never be the same again. But you will heal. And you’ll be able to get up in the morning and not be consumed by your child and their absence 24 hours a day,” Pat said.
“Eventually you’ll be able to convert that energy into recalling good memories, and you start to realize there are reasons to feel joy again.”
Today, he’s reminded of Jesse when his two daughters continue to pass landmark moments in their lives. Amanda, 31, was 6 when Jesse died and Rachel, 28, was only 2.
“I see Amanda starting her own family, and I wonder what he would be like,” Pat said.
The Saums are working with local funeral directors to form a core group, and they’re seeking support for office supplies (many boxes of tissues) and a lending library of reading material.
The group will start meeting in January in space provided at Lord Grizzly Gallery in Luverne. Pat can be reached at p.saum@iw.net or 605-254-2072.
“I hope that people aren’t afraid to come to that first meeting,” he said. A schedule will be determined by people who express interest in coming.
“I truly want to help people work through their grief and realize what a gift each of us as parents get when we have children.”
Meanwhile, he’s encouraging people — all people, grieving or not — to participate in the Dec. 8 Annual Worldwide Candle-Lighting campaign.
“At 7 p.m. central time on Sunday, Dec. 8, light a candle and put it on your doorstep,” he said, “and encourage other people to do that.”
According to the Compassionate Friends website, it signifies a celebration of solidarity and memory:
“It’s a day on which people around the world gather to light candles for children who have died and to show that they will always be loved and never forgotten.”