Application forms for hunting or fishing licenses in Montana now offer several options for identifying hair color. The choices include blond, black, gray, white, red, brown and, believe it or not, bald. "Bald has been a selection on Montana’s hunting and fishing applications since the 1970s," reports Reuters, "but the form was always filled out — discreetly, it seems — by a store clerk." Now that the applications can be filled out by anyone using the Internet, "bald" is suddenly being noticed. Several questions about baldness and hair color must remain unanswered, especially for Montana store clerks who are still filling out the forms. (Internet applicants will have to live with their own consciences.) The following guidelines, in the form of frequently asked questions, should be passed along to those employees: 1. What about dyed hair? White or graying hair, even though it is dyed, is still white or gray. This is why high-powered microscopes, similar to those shown on TV’s crime scene investigation shows, have been placed next to every store cash register in the state. Obtaining a sample for determining true hair follicle color under the microscope lens might pose a problem. If the applicant refuses to relinquish a strand of hair voluntarily, necessary force might be required. All employees in your store have been trained by the state to respond to this call for help — "Hair follicle alert! Hair follicle alert!" Within seconds, store employees will pin the reluctant applicant to the floor and secure a hair sample. (Note: Not even little, old ladies with purple or blue hair should be exempted from this treatment.) 2. What if customers lie about their true hair colors? This great state doesn’t take kindly to people who lie. A person who lies about hair color will very likely lie about other things, including their real weights, whether they floss their teeth daily or their involvement in local horse and cattle thefts. They will be shown no mercy in our court system. 3. What about people wearing obvious wigs or toupees? If it looks plastic, it probably is. Give any suspicious hair a surprise tug. You will immediately have your answer. 4. What about heads that have been completely shaved? Are they technically bald? If the applicant’s head is completely shiny and reflects overhead light, consider that person bald. If the head is covered with a telltale "shadow" and very faintly reveals a full hairline, hair follicle examination will reveal the applicant’s true hair color. (Refer to #1 for involuntary follicle removal.) 5. Should applicants with thinning hair, receding hairlines or bald spots all be classified as "bald?" This is why all store employees directly involved with the sale of hunting and fishing licenses in this state are required to have a strong background in geometry. Those math skills and memorized formulas will allow them to quickly calculate what percentage of a scalp’s surface is actually covered with hair. Any amount less than 20 percent would indicate serious hair loss or baldness. All calculations by store employees will be considered final. 6. Wait a minute! What if you know for certain that a fellow employee had a girlfriend take the high school math tests for him? What if that unnamed individual passed math, but with the lowest scores in the school’s history? We repeat — all calculations by store employees will be considered final. Live with it.