Shortly after my 40th birthday, I stumbled upon one of life’s greatest truths. "Women’s lives are divided into two distinct parts," I wrote, "a time when they wish to look pregnant and a time when they don’t." Twenty-some years later, an even greater truth has surfaced. This time it’s clear that most adults’ lives are divided into two halves — the first half when we worry about how many miles our cars will get to a gallon of fuel, and the second when we worry about how long we can get by on a cup of coffee before needing a restroom. The answer to the post-age-50 bladder control crisis was recently revealed on a British gadget and gizmo Web site. According to a posted news article at the site, a UK company, started up by a distant relative of the inventor of the toilet, has created a new handheld GPS device for locating public restrooms throughout that country. The global-positioning i-Poo apparently displays the location of 43,000 or so public restrooms in the U.K. and will give its operator the fastest walking directions to the nearest one. At first the news sounded almost too good to be true. "If however there is no public toilet within 600 meters, "the article added, "the software will also direct you to an open restaurant, pub or if after closing hours, a darkened alley." A warning flag should have gone up at this point, but reading about the GPS system overwhelmed the rational part of my brain. Clearly, GPS systems are no longer limited to luxury vehicles or golf carts at posh country clubs. A hand-held global positioning system would also allow its user to quickly locate garage sales and spectacular sales events at favorite stores. With the help of additional technological devices, we might even become "carborgs" — cyborgs that are half human and half automotive accessories. Carborgs would definitely give new meaning to words such as "shifty" and "shiftless." For example, flip-down, overhead cosmetic mirrors such as those found on car visors could be permanently attached to our foreheads. No matter what age, a woman can never be too prepared for cosmetic breakdowns. Tiny windshield wipers could be attached to our bifocal glasses. They would be perfect for life’s blinding moments — unexpected rain storms, opening a dishwasher door while the contents are still steaming hot or sitting through the final, tear-choking scene of "Beaches," when Bette Midler belts out "The Wind Beneath My Wings." Much like the messages on the dashboards of our cars ("Service in 2,000 miles" or "Check oil"), flashing messages on our handheld i-Poos could signal, "Make appointment for annual physical" or "Refill prescriptions." Inflatable air bags could be suspended from our elastic waistbands and hang over our hips for accidental falls and spills. Falling down and not being able to get up would no longer be a problem. With air bags on our hips, we would bounce right back to our standing positions. Instead of carrying a simple Walkman when we walk for exercise, we could become portable entertainment centers, complete with tape players, CDs, radios and miniature TVs. With carborgs for parents, our children would rave, "You should see my mom. She’s a ‘42 Michigan with lots of miles and her chassis could use a little work, but she’s very reliable." As noted earlier, at least one warning flag should have been raised. A closer examination of the iPoo story revealed it had been posted at midnight, April 1, 2005. What a disappointment.