Australian ranchers might want to hand out riding helmets to their hired help this Christmas. It’s all because a hefty fine was recently imposed against a ranch after one of its cowboys fell off a horse and hit his head. The boss of the outfit evidently failed to warn his men that a horse can weigh half a ton and that under certain circumstances, it might bolt, roll over or rear up on its hind legs. According to the Associated Press, ranchers down under are seriously talking about requiring their cowboys to wear helmets. Presumably, the helmets will resemble those chosen by motorcyclists rather than those worn by Lance Armstrong and other bicyclists. The sleek, stream-lined look of bicycle helmets would definitely clash with the rugged image projected by leather chaps, stirrups and oversized belt buckles. We can only surmise that additional horse mishaps in Australia will lead to similar talk about saddles equipped with safety belts and side impact air bags. As is the case with a runaway horse, it might to difficult to rein in overly enthusiastic lawmakers who intend to make cowboys look like sissies. When we begin treating cowboys like car drivers and motorcyclists, and assume they can’t make safety decisions for themselves, we should expect other changes on the trail ahead. The helmet issue will only be the tip of the iceberg. For example, cowboys on their way home from a Saturday night in town might be pulled over for TUIs (trotting under the influence). Repeat offenses might lead to more serious charges of GUI (galloping under the influence), in which case the guilty party would be required to relinquish, in lieu of a horse driving license, his neck scarf, harmonica and, of course, his helmet. Speaking of driving licenses, government-issued horse riding licenses might eventually be required. However, instead of listing the driver’s weight, the horse riding license will list the driver’s weight both with and without the weight of the horse. Similarly, the height of the cowboy will be listed two ways –— standing alone and seated on horseback. Exhibition riding, much like exhibition driving, will not be treated lightly. Examples of exhibition riding would include leaping over deep ravines wider than 20 feet, rescuing damsels who aren’t in distress and would rather be left alone, or any other form of horsing around. Health and safety disclaimers, similar to those on cigarette packages, could be branded onto the flanks of Australian horses. As briefly as possible the messages could read, "Warning –— horseback riding can be hazardous to your health." While being marked with a red-hot branding iron, horses might appreciate their cowboy-owners’ attempts to be less wordy. Helmets are only the beginning. Eventually, horseback riding will be treated the same as driving a car and law enforcement officials will be on the lookout for horses with faulty equipment. "I’m sorry to pull you over, sir, but your horse’s right rear shoe appears to be loose." Repair tickets, requiring work to be done during a certain period of time, will be issued for such minor technicalities as horsetails which hang asymmetrically, and out-of-tune neighs and whinnies. The cowboys’ only acceptable response will be, "Horse feathers!"