The Dutch village of Staphorst has had the final word on bad words. Its council recently approved a ban on swearing by a 13-to-4 vote. My first reaction to this news was that it’s fortunate my father’s family emigrated from Holland more than 100 years ago. Had they not, my father eventually might have received a maximum sentence for his command of a colorful language. Not only was my father a colorful speaker in stressful situations, but he developed what could be described as his second language into a fine art. In any given situation calling out for the use of expletives, my father could weave together 10 solid minutes’ worth of them. Yes, 10 solid minutes without repeating a single word or phrase. However, instead of attributing his somewhat dubious verbal skills to his Dutch heritage, my father was likely to blame the long hours spent in the Pacific during World War II. Ît’s clear life will have to change in Staphorst in order to accommodate the new ban on swearing. The punishment obviously will be greater than having bars of soap inserted in their mouths or having to write on a school blackboard at least 100 times, "I will not swear, I will not swear … "For starters, houses and other buildings in the Dutch village will eventually fall into a state of disrepair. Few people will dare to pick up hammers and nails for fear they might smash a thumb and yell out something incriminating. Anyone within earshot of an evil-sayer (as opposed to an evil-doer) could possibly become an informant for the cussing police. This would include neighbors, in-laws and one’s own children. Whenever their favorite, national soccer teams, Ajax and Feyenoord, lose games, the outbursts of disappointed fans in Staphorst will be limited to "Aw shucks!" and "Gee whillikers!"Parents of teenaged daughters will no longer be able to express their true feelings when prospective suitors, covered from head to toe with tattoos and body piercings, show up at the front door.Otherwise proud gardeners will be required to remain speechless when they discover early morning frosts have turned their prize tulips into objects resembling frozen, yet colorful, Popsicles. Horrible things that might happen to their cars, such as door dings or smashed fenders, will only be dealt with an absolute silence or a few words. "I just saw what happened to the car, dear. That repair work should cost a pretty euro."When a rural resident of Staphorst notices a small, leaking hole in the dike separating his farmland from the sea, and there’s not a legendary, little Dutch boy to remedy the situation within sight, the potential drownee will have to remain silently resigned to the situation. The Staphorst ban on swearing may be difficult to enforce because the practice must be allowed when it’s an expression of the constitutional freedom of speech. In the end, the strict limitations set by that (blankety-blank) freedom of speech thing must have reduced the 13 council members with winning votes to tears. They certainly can’t swear.