The happiness of squirrels must be a top priority in Council Bluffs, Iowa. A story about the town’s squirrel protection ordinance, which dates back to the 1930s, would have gone by unnoticed had it not been for News of the Weird. It’s one of my favorite news sources. "An 18-year-old man (in Council Bluffs) received a $325 citation last week," recently reported the column, "because it is illegal not only to ‘maim, injure, or kill’ a squirrel, but to ‘annoy’ or ‘worry" one." It’s easy to understand the maim, injure or kill part, but annoy or worry? Squirrels must be highly sensitive creatures. If that’s the case, it might be better to shelve plans for any upcoming book with a title resembling, "How to Annoy, Worry or Tease a Squirrel". It might not be politically or creaturely correct for the following suggestions to be available in print: If you really want to tease a squirrel, try covering its favorite low-hanging tree branches in your yard with slippery Vaseline. Relocate its winter stashes of acorns and dry seeds to hard-to-find places. Stand under a tree and loudly recite offensive jokes about squirrels. The rowdier the better. "Did you hear this one? It’s about a three-legged squirrel that walks into a bar..." If you see any squirrels on the road while you’re driving, don’t swerve. In fact, drive toward the squirrels, even if they’re in another lane. Whenever you are in a squirrel’s hearing range, sing verses of Mike West’s "Squirrel Song", which was written in 2000, presumably near his home in Arabi, La. "Some folks they like chicken and steak me, they give me the belly ache but I could eat a squirrel, I could eat a score when I get done I could eat a dozen more." A catchy, little tune like that could literally send a squirrel scampering up a tree, fleeing for its safety. No matter where you go, regardless of the weather, always be seen wearing a coat, hat and gloves made from squirrel pelts. Hide quietly and patiently behind a tree and when you see a squirrel passing by, jump out and shout, "Gotcha!" Lean over your backyard fence and loudly share your recipe for Stewed Squirrel with a neighbor. "This recipe calls for one squirrel, two chopped onions, and that’s about all. First, field dress the squirrel..." So there you will be — covered from head to toe with squirrel furs, shouting "Gotcha!" at the top of your lungs, reciting offensive squirrel jokes and singing the lyrics to the Squirrel Song. Of course, your friends and neighbors might view all of your anti-squirrel antics as squirrelly behavior and you will be assigned to trained professionals in some out-of-the way facility. No, it would definitely be better to squirrel away book plans like that for another day.