I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering, “Who, exactly, are Darlene and Marlene Brauer and why do they keep turning up in Luverne?”
Twice in a year’s time this pair of middle-aged sisters has claimed to be a “comedy” act entertaining at a local fundraiser. They first insulted their way through the ATLAS banquet in April of 2018, then, on April 1 made mince meat of George Bonnema at the Generations (formerly the Luverne Senior Citizens) fundraiser.
As a part-time newspaper columnist and an even-less-time investigative journalist, I started digging for dirt and am happy to share what I’ve learned about this divisive duo.
Marlene and Darlene Brauer aren’t from here.
They are the oldest of six sisters from Leota. (Minnesota). The other sisters — Charlene, Arlene, Carlene and Linda — did not follow their older siblings into show business but instead live productive, decent lives. The younger Brauers also do not share their sisters’ penchant for filling their purses with banquet food.
Marlene and Darlene always take the Toyota when venturing out of Leota while three of the younger sisters drive Fords. (Linda drives a Lexus and lives in the Twin Cities.)
A criminal background check revealed that Marlene was once accused of filling her purse at an all-you-can-eat lefse bar, but the charges were dropped because she insisted no one could prove she hadn’t arrived at the bar with the lefse already in her purse.
Darlene has a more checkered past. Records show she’s twice been arrested for disorderly conduct: once for wrestling another customer during a misunderstanding about coupon days at Shopko and once during a traffic stop for threatening a police officer with a bag of Edgerton buns.
Rumor has it the pair has been nosing around town looking for a venue to host another “show.”
So, like a good investigative reporter, I went through their trash and found a few notes scribbled on the edges of half-finished crossword puzzles. What I read scared me and it should scare you, too.
In the bad handwriting of a middle-aged lady who’s perhaps had a little too much black coffee was the phrase, “Marlene and Darlene present … The Nutcracker.”
God help us.