For more than a decade I’ve been mad at God.
It seems funny to be mad at someone you’ve never met or really know if he’s even real.
My Christian upbringing, however, says he is there and, thus, he is the one I am directing my anger toward.
My sister died unexpectedly in 2011 and I’ve never forgiven God for taking her away from her family.
We all prayed for a miracle that she would recover and come back to us. Instead, she was taken to heaven, and our lives have been filled with sadness and a sense of loss ever since.
God left me questioning His wisdom.
I’ve repeatedly asked, “Why?”
I’ve received no response.
Or so I thought.
I’ve come to realize God repeatedly attempted to get my attention, but I’ve been too angry to listen.
I’d forgotten he’d answered prayers 12 years ago to keep my 23-year-old niece’s brain cancer at bay so she could lead a full and productive life.
He'd helped her find her life partner, marry, and bring two kids into the world.
Two years ago he let the cancer come back, and on July 5, he took her to heaven.
This time, instead of anger, God left me with a feeling that my niece is fortunate because she’s able to be with my sister in heaven.
They are together now, talking with one another, and laughing.
There’s no reason why I should be angry with God, because he’d been sending me signs all these years.
I started to slowly notice them this week.
I’ve noticed the birds’ merry chirps.
The beautiful sunrises where the sun’s rays kiss my face with their warmth.
The return of hope, where life has beautiful moments along with the bad.
It’s been about which one I’ve chosen to focus on.
My niece noticed these beautiful moments long before I did. Her faith brought her courage to fight cancer these past two years, while I’ve only been angry.
Her belief in God didn’t waiver in her final weeks, because her life was full, despite the loss of her mom, while I’ve chosen to be angry.
As we mourned my niece last week, each of us remembered how she embraced her fate and faced it with courage and a positive attitude.
She died content with what she accomplished, that her cancer fight was over and she just enjoyed the beautiful moments she had left.
We had three weeks to say our goodbyes.
During that time my anger has gradually receded with positive feelings flowing into its place.
I may no longer be as angry at you, God — please thank my niece for the more positive feelings when you see her.